6 Years Ago Today, We Decided To Have A Later Abortion

6 years ago today, I was nearly 21 weeks pregnant with a very wanted daughter, Grace Pearl. My husband Jim and I had done IVF twice and had done 3 embryo transfers (one resulting in a miscarriage) to become pregnant with her.

Jim and I walked into the appointment for our anatomy scan full of hopes and expectations…. and that’s not how it went. Our ultrasound technician grew quiet as she rubbed the wand over my pregnant belly. She asked me to lay on my side, hoping Grace would move to provide better views, and went to talk to my doctor. She came back and after trying again, said there wasn’t any amniotic fluid, and that she was sorry - that she knew that that wasn’t what we wanted to hear - and sent us to see my doctor.

The short walk to the examination room was one of the longest of my life. I quickly chatted with two friends, whose responses (based on fast Googles) set a somber tone. I did my own search and saw “80 to 90" percent fatal”.

My doctor tenderly advised us that our daughter very likely had a kidney disease that wasn’t survivable. She sent us

to a follow-up ultrasound an hour and a half later, and after hours of ultrasounds conducted by murmuring technicians, and somber discussions with medical professionals, it was official: our daughter had bilateral Multicystic Dysplastic Kidney Disease, and given her young gestational age and how advanced the condition was, it was fatal. We could terminate the pregnancy (an abortion), or continue it knowing she’d suffer and die upon birth.

Our doctor told us that we didn’t have much time to decide what we wanted to do. The state of Missouri, where we live, didn’t allow abortions after nearly 22 weeks of pregnancy at the time. I was nearly 21 weeks pregnant on this day, 6 years ago. But the state of Missouri also required me to sign non-medical consents to get the abortion. I had to get those scheduled. Then signing they required me to wait 72 hours after those consents. Then it was a two-day procedure to get the abortion.

We had to act very fast. We decided we needed to terminate the pregnancy. We couldn’t fathom letting her suffer. But at if we had wanted more time to decide?

My doctor telling me we didn’t have much time due to state laws - laws that didn’t match the circumstances that we were medically facing - was the first spark of why I am writing today. When she said that, my shock and grief were nterrupted by indignation and confusion. I knew that Missouri’s per-majority of conservative politicians was anti-choice, but where s the common sense for how these laws actually impacted people? I felt like the point was to punish me. I wanted my pregnancy and was receiving new medical news - why were they doing this to me? My immediate next thought was: no one deserves to be punished for wanting an abortion, no matter what. If they didn’t understand my circumstances… maybe they didn’t understand anyone’s circumstances.

I spent that evening fielding calls from care coordinators that helped get us scheduled to sign the consents the next morning in order to meet the deadline, all while trying to inform friends and family about our devastating personal news.

The contrast between the care that our doctors, friends, family, and loved ones gave us - no matter what their religious or personal beliefs - compared to how callously and judgmentally the state treated us started my radicalization. It would increase over the next few days as we trudged through the process of getting an abortion in Missouri in 2016 as well as over the past 6 years as I have attempted to use my experience to reduce abortion stigma and improve laws and policy.

I started to tell my story. I started a website to capture all of this called DefendingGrace.com I was published in the Washington Post, which was mentioned by Senator Dianne Feinstein in her opening remarks of the Gorsuch Supreme Court Senate confirmation hearings. I have told the story of my experience obtaining my abortion as a Moth Mainstage Storyteller, which has been featured on their podcast twice, most recently as part of a special episode on bodily autonomy after the Alito brief leaked. I have been featured in Al Jazeera, BBC NewsHour, NPR’s 1A and All Things Considered, and more.

I have told my story to countless legislators. I have testified against abortion bans of all sorts at the local state level, as well as lobbied federal representatives. I have volunteered extensively with local and national reproductive rights organizations, including serving as a board member for Missouri Abortion Fund for multiple years.

I have never had someone of sincere intent say we shouldn’t have been able to make the choice we did. Even legislators have muted their microphones to me that they’re so sorry for my loss, but then voted to enact an abortion ban that would have hurt me, and in turn, Grace. And that is why I write today. We need policies to match our life circumstances. And I have learned that all abortion bans are harmful to pregnant people.

A lot has changed in 6 years. Missouri was the first state to ban abortion after the fall of Roe v. Wade on June 24, 2022. I have struggled with how to process this and where to go next. But I have learned a lot of lessons as an advocate, and have met some incredible fellow advocates that continue to teach me a lot. I’ll be writing about all of that here with the goal of informing and continually learning. We all have to start where we are, and for me, I started when I learned my desperately wanted daughter was very, very sick 6 years ago today.

You can listen to my Moth Mainstage about that day and what followed here.