Helpful Resource: Ending a Wanted Pregnancy

One of the most amazing pieces of advice I got when we had just learned that we'd be terminating my pregnancy with Grace Pearl was to check out a website called Ending a Wanted Pregnancy. 

Ending a Wanted Pregnancy

Not all pregnancies have a fairy tale ending. If you've received a severe prenatal or maternal diagnosis and have decided to end your wanted pregnancy, this website exists to provide you understanding, comfort, and support. Here, you will find the empathy, compassion. and solace you deserve following this uncommon, traumatic and often misunderstood form of pregnancy loss.

It took me a bit to find the mental space and energy to visit the site, but I was so thankful I did once I was there. It provided two things: compassionate, lovingly-provided information, and a private group where I met other families that had been in the same situation I'd been in. I can't say what the latter did for my sense of isolation in both the situation Jim and I found ourselves in, as well as the decision we made in response.

People very often don't talk about their abortions (1/3 has had one, meaning you absolutely know women that have had one even if they haven't told you, including your mother, daughter, sister, niece, aunt, favorite grocery store checker, mail woman, lawyer, accountant... the list goes on and on). But in our case, everyone knew we were pregnant. We'd announced it and registered and were planning a baby shower with beloved friends. No, I didn't have to tell anyone that we aborted Grace, but I didn't want to feel ashamed of our decision, which was an absolutely appropriate one considering increased pain she'd feel if she were born, the increased risk to me, and the safety of the procedure. It may make people uncomfortable, but the fact is I had an abortion with Grace, and while I 100% loved her, I also 100% believe it was the right choice. It is important that people know our story to dispel the shame around abortion. So we wanted to tell people, once we were ready. People knew we were pregnant, it was just about how to say the pregnancy ended, and that was where Ending a Wanted Pregnancy came in to help me feel less alone. 

I devoured the website, which helped me see other stories and diagnosis information from people that had pregnancies end for Grace's diagnosis. Reading the practical information helped decrease my soaring anxiety (more on that another time). I felt understood and calmer. There was also an excellent undecided section for those that are still exploring their options and deciding how to proceed with their pregnancies. I loved that they offered resources for people that decided to continue with their pregnancies, indicating that they truly are there for full support, no matter what.

The private support group took all of this to another level, where I met other people that had gone through the same process. After applying on the website, I was welcomed with non-judgmental, open arms, and have taken great pride at welcoming others. I have never seen a word of judgment or condemnation; only acceptance, support, care and gentleness. It truly has and continues to make a huge difference in my grieving process, and has helped give me the strength to advocate.

If you or a person you know has had to face the tragedy we have, please share Ending a Wanted Pregnancy with them. It's a wonderful resource, and I can promise they will find valuable support. It is a 100% free site (I'm not writing this from any place other than just to tell others that may be in our situation about the site), and can make a huge difference.

Our Visit To Washington D.C. (Part 3: About the Folders I was Holding, and How I Felt)

You can read parts 1 and 2 of our trip to Washington D.C. to advocate and attend Judge Gorsuch's confirmation hearing here:

Our Visit to Washington D.C. (Part 1: Preparing and Jim Advocating with Senator McCaskill)

Our Visit to Washington D.C. (Part 2: Judge Gorsuch's Confirmation Hearing and Meeting with Senator McCaskill's Office)

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You might have noticed in my picture in my blog post from attending Judge Gorsuch's confirmation hearing that I had several blue and green folders with me:

Meeting Senator Feinstein and Senator Grassley.  Photo from PBS NewsHour

The folders were assembled in a bit of a rush, because I didn't have a lot of notice that I was going to get to attend the confirmation hearing. But they held information I was absolutely proud to carry and deliver, including:

• Jim's and my testimony. I have sent our testimony about how we learned about Grace's fetal anomaly, subsequently terminated the pregnancy, and how it was to undergo this in the state of Missouri in letter format a few times when there are bills being evaluated, and so on. Jim shared his testimony when he testified against HB 757, a 20 week abortion ban being proposed currently in Missouri. You can read the bill here. You may notice that the bill does not have exceptions for fetal anomalies. It is also scientifically inaccurate according to five doctors we've talked to so far, all whom independently said a fetus doesn't feel pain until 28 weeks, not 20 as the bill asserts. So HB 757 is a great example of a bill being both based on false and/or disregarded medical science (where the law is designed to allow politicians decide when a fetus feels pain over experienced medical professionals that specialize in this), and without fully considering everyone that might be impacted by it. 

You can watch Jim's heartbreaking testimonial and the responses here (starts immediately): 

Missouri Progressive YouTube Channel

• My Op Ed in the Washington Post. Senator Feinstein referenced my Op Ed in her opening remarks, so I felt it was important to include.
• Others' Stories. This was a big one. We are not the only people that have gone through this. In fact, on an infertility support group that I participate in, of the 130 members, at least 3 other women have had to terminate pregnancies for medical reasons due to fetal anomalies. Once I joined Ending A Wanted Pregnancy, an amazing support group for women that have faced similar circumstances and have had to, like us, choose the the "best" from unimaginable options, I found other women that had shared their stories too. I highly encourage you to read the stories that I brought with me to Washington D.C. here: 

While each circumstance is different, the common threads of utter shock upon the news of a fetal anomaly, feeling 100% that termination of the pregnancy was the best option, government interference and astronomical expenses show up in nearly each story. 

I gave the folders to Senators, legislative counsel representatives and other individuals where their understanding of the issue and its impact is very important; these are some of the people that need to know the realities of who these laws fully affect and in what way, so they can be enabled to support and/or make different policy decisions in the future. I know it won't change every mind, but I am very hopeful that raised awareness will help in even a small way. It's discouraging to think that a lawmaker would know of our circumstances and still choose to pass a bill that makes carrying out our decision, made out of parental love, even harder, but at least they will have been informed rather than just unaware. 

I am grateful for the opportunity to have been able to personally hand these packets to Senators and other individuals of great influence. Being invited to Judge Gorsuch's confirmation hearing is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I am still overwhelmed 2 weeks later. Being in the room while people like Sandy Philips told the story of her daughter losing her life to gun violence in the Aurora, CO theater shooting was one of the saddest privileges of my life. The impact was overwhelming, and I wasn't the only one moved to tears by her testimony.

Watching testimony like Sandy's as well as watching the Senators interact with each other and with the witnesses served as a great reminder that we're all human beings. We all have feelings and senses of humor and things that outrage us. Many of us are really putting ourselves out there hoping that in exchange for letting people evaluate and assess us based on what we're sharing (even Sandy was subject to some of that), that the payoff will be educating some people and bringing about some change. 

I am grateful for the opportunity to share my story, and to the other women who have so bravely shared their stories. We are all possibly subjecting ourselves to having our accounts of their darkest days ripped apart by strangers, all for the chance to hopefully educate the public and our elected officials on the realities of later term abortions, and to hopefully help usher in some change. That's absolutely the hope of every single person that shares. That's how strongly we feel about it. I can assure you the attention we garner is more negative than positive, and some days it's hard to keep going. We share to hopefully help prevent other families from facing at least the legal and stigma-related pain in the experience.

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Do you have a story about ending a wanted pregnancy? Please feel free to contact me. Every single story helps make a difference!

Our Story in Al Jazeera, and Watch "Abortion: Stories Women Tell" Documentary on HBO

We have two big updates today! 

Al Jazeera Article

Our story and experience, including the trip to Washington D.C. to attend Judge Gorsuch's confirmation hearing and meet Senator Feinstein, as well as some ideas around what we want to do next are included in this in depth article by Al Jazeera English (written by Massoud Hayoun). 

American women share the stories of their abortions

Last week, Robin Utz went to Washington. Utz, an American woman from the Midwestern state of Missouri, arrived there during the confirmation hearings for President Donald Trump's choice for the nation's highest court, which Trump has indicated he would like to ban abortion in the United States.

Abortion: Stories Women Tell

Additionally, I am eager to see Abortion: Stories Women Tell on HBO tonight at 7 pm CT. It looks incredibly relevant especially since it features individuals on both sides of the debate (which I am always interested in) in Missouri. You can see a preview and read more about it here:

'Abortion: Stories Women Tell' is the documentary America needs

The opening scene of Tracy Droz Tragos's stirring documentary Abortion: Stories Women Tell, shows the Missouri state capitol fill with the chant: "All in Christ, for pro-life." Back in 2014, supporters of a proposed extension of the state-mandated waiting period for an abortion-as well as those protesting against it-crowded into the capitol building in Jefferson City.

Today is Grace Pearl's Due Date

Today is a big day. We have been dreading this day since our termination doctor kindly warned us to have a plan around today, because it would knock us flat. Today is Grace Pearl's due date. 

3/31/17. I've had that date in my head for so long. Because we did IVF, we knew the due date before I even got pregnant with Grace. Crazy isn't it? When you do a frozen embryo transfer, you have to prepare your body for weeks/months in advance depending on the protocol you have. So for weeks, I knew that unless something went awry, we'd transfer a little 5 day embryo on July 13th, and that embryo, if it made it to birth, would be due today, March 31st, 2017. 

I don't know if I can fully express how much I wish it'd turned out that way. I know life has taken me a different and still meaningful direction since then, and at some point I'll write more about how I feel like advocacy chose me, not the other way around, and that in nearly every area of my life I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster with no option for getting off, from the grief to the advocacy work. I am glad some good is hopefully coming from this, and I hope that I'm doing Grace proud. But for now, I just want to honor Grace Pearl, and how much I wish I'd gotten to have more time with her. How much I wish I'd gotten to watch her grown up.

When we got pregnant with her, we were utterly delighted. We'd been trying for over 3 years and it felt like it was finally our time! I took seemingly endless pregnancy tests to confirm and reconfirm over and over that I was indeed pregnant. By our 6 week appointment we got to see and hear Grace's heartbeat, which brought tears to my eyes, and by week 8 she growing rapidly. By week 10 she looked like a little gummy bear and kicked away at the ultrasound wand. 

Grace at 6 weeks

Grace at 8 weeks

Grace at 10 weeks

We planned gender reveals to our parents, and I tracked my slowly growing belly (I didn't know yet that it was growing slower than normal because of the lack of amniotic fluid.)

We announced to all of our friends and family, and on Facebook. We started designing Grace's nursery, and dear friends had started planning a shower for me. We registered with my mom the weekend before we learned about Grace's fatal illness. 

It remains very, very hard for me to think back to mid-November when we learned about Grace's diagnosis, and 6 days later when she was terminated. As I gathered pictures from my phone camera roll for this post, they fall away then. I don't have her final ultrasound pictures because my parents came and collected them as well as all of the things we'd gotten for Grace while we were signing the consents to have the termination done. All of it remains hidden at their house, in what they call the Hope Pile.

You start moving on with your life, and both hope and immense grief remain. It's been 4 months, and the pain is still acute. I'm glad to be smiling and laughing more easily, but honestly I'm still very, very sad. I don't know how else to put it.

I keep thinking about some of the things that we were so excited to do with Grace, including:

• Having dance parties with her in our living room.
• Traveling with her to some of our favorite places, especially our favorite cities and National Parks. 
• Taking her to see tons of concerts while teaching her to always use the best ear protection. :) 
• Teaching her how to ride her bike and taking rides through the city together.
• Just learning and soaking up her personality as it revealed itself. Even the really annoying parts. :)
• Seeing what she looked like! Would she have my blue eyes and red hair, or Jim's black hair and hazel eyes? Based on the hand and foot prints we got, I know she had his feet and hands. I'm grateful for this one little detail we were able to learn.

Grace's hand and foot prints 

Today, Jim and I are going to start the process of spreading bits of her ashes in some of our most cherished spots, if we can bear it. The idea of splitting her ashes up feels really hard for me - I haven't done it yet. Throughout all of this pain, Jim and I have remained solidly devoted to each other, and respectful of our shared and individual loss and pain, and grateful to have been in alignment on the choice we made to save Grace Pearl from suffering. I'm so grateful this hasn't take the toll on our marriage that it does many. But the fact is we were hoping to have this day be the day we started being a family of three, and while the sadness that that isn't the reality changes, it doesn't go away. 

Listen To Our Story on NPR's 'All Things Considered'

You can hear a four minute segment featuring me telling our story about losing Grace Pearl here, on NPR's All Things Considered. Story by Durrie Bouscaren. 

Our Visit to Washington D.C. (Part 2: Judge Gorsuch's Confirmation Hearing and Meeting with Senator McCaskill's Office)

In my prior blog, I discussed preparing to go to Washington D.C. to advocate, and my husband Jim's meeting with Senator Claire McCaskill, where he shared our story with her and a room of 75 other Missouri constituents. As I said, Jim isn't really keen on public speaking or attention, and I am SO proud of him for advocating for Grace and families that need options like these to be available and legal. It was a huge demonstration of his love for his daughter.

While Jim was doing this, I meet up with Shivana Jorawar and Carina Ahuja from the National Abortion Foundation, which is an organization that has been amazing to work with. They have helped me share our story and focus on what might be most helpful in terms of advocacy, which is something I've gotten overwhelmed with as a new advocate. Shivana had picked up the guest passes for Judge Gorsuch's confirmation hearing, which Senator Feinstein had graciously provided, and we headed in to get settled.

My badge to attend Judge Gorsuch's Senate Confirmation Hearing. Photo by Marilyn Baker

Professionally, I don't do anything like this in my regular day to day work (I'm a project manager) so it was amazing to personally be in the room where it happens: where such important policy and political work takes place. 

Right when I was finally getting settled in and used to the idea that I was going to get to watch a day of Judge Gorsuch's confirmation hearing, I was invited over to meet Senator Dianne Feinstein and Senator Chuck Grassley. What an insane honor! I will go into how I felt about the entire experience in the next blog, so I don't want to delve into it too much here, but being able to thank Senator Feinstein for having me there, and for bringing our story to the forefront was amazing.  We have had so many amazing people advocate for and support us on this journey, and so rarely do we get to thank them in person. Senator Feinstein was absolutely lovely; warm and enthusiastically stating that we have to keep trying to have a family, and Senator Grassley likewise was warm, funny and very kind. It was an immense privilege and treat to meet them both, and being able to personally hand Senator Feinstein my thank you note as well as my packet of materials was such a source of pride for me. 

Meeting Senator Feinstein and Senator Grassley. Photo from PBS News Hour

You can watch our entire interaction here (which starts immediately): 

For more, visit http://www.pbs.org/newshour

The hearing started immediately after my meeting (as you can see in the video above). I got to hear testimony on Judge Gorsuch's skillset, character, prior judgments and temperament. The wide variety of witnesses included members of the American Bar association, clerks Gorsuch has worked with, individuals who had been impacted by cases Judge Gorsuch ruled upon, and individuals representing organizations that have concerns about how Gorsuch's rulings as a Supreme Court justice might affect them, such as representatives from LGBTQ and Pro-Choice organizations. Sandy Phillips, whose daughter, Jessica, died in the Aurora, Colorado, theater massacre gave the most heart-wrenching testimony of the day, and again I was overwhelmed by how lucky I was to be in the room where such important topics were being discussed. It really hit home how real each and every issue is, and how full of gray area and nuance they all are, not just the one I personally am fighting for (reproductive rights). More on that in the next blog.

The one break we took during the day was to meet with a member of Senator Claire McCaskill's Legislative Counsel to share my story and how we feel Gorsuch's confirmation may affect our legal options going forward. I was accompanied by Shivana and Carina from the NAF and Gaylynn Burroughs from the Feminist Majority Foundation, and it was so invigorating to be able to share my perspective and story with the room, and to advocate for Grace. I was able to share how heartbreaking it was to learn that our desperately wanted daughter wasn't going to survive pregnancy, our feelings that termination was our best option, and how the Missouri abortion consents made the entire process so much more difficult than it needed to be. I was also able to share that I felt compelled to advocate because of how terrified I and so many others feel right now after President Trump said he would nominate a judge that would overturn Roe v Wade. This isn't theoretical - this really affects lives in a very, very real way. It would 100% hurt Grace, in our opinion, especially since the Missouri abortion laws prove that exceptions are not put into place for very important situations like fetal anomalies. A cruel oversight at a minimum which doesn't give me comfort that our legislators will produce or pass laws that truly do want and consider the best for all of the parties that might be affected.

The day was incredibly exciting, invigorating and empowering, but also very bittersweet and overwhelming. As I mentioned above, the next blog will be about how it felt to be there, and how we feel now, but it goes without saying that the day was a blend of feeling so excited that Grace is making a difference, but also overwhelmed that the people that need to care maybe don't, or that we just can't reach some people. Logically knowing that and seeing it with my own eyes are separate things. But undeniably, getting to attend Judge Gorsuch's confirmation hearing and thank Senator Feinstein in person were once in a lifetime opportunities, and a testament to how loved Grace was, continues to be, and how much she has impacted people, even though she was only part of our world for a far-too-brief time. 

(Read Part 1 of our trip to DC here.)